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| The way of honoring women in the olden ways has escaped this society. It's such a shame that this has happened. What happened to most of the men in this society? Why does everybody have to be so big headed and jerks? I saw a guy slap a girl last week, last month I saw a guy choking a girl, and about 3 years ago I saw a guy straight up hit a girl. Now I've seen alot of different things in between all of this, but what the hell? This society pains me.
Moving on from abuse to more abuse, I had to take kids away from a sibling last week because they chose crack over their family. Now I have done my fair share of drugs, but when you choose something over your kids, you are really messing up. What pushes you to that point? I don't get it. A 35 year old person who is choosing that shit over their kids goes way down low on my shit list. I am struggling right now over the fact that not one but two of my siblings have hit that crack rock pretty hard. I don't think they are ever gonna come back, but they may surprise me. I really pray that they do. I have seen the good in so many people but it seems like when the bad comes out it comes out hard. And I have accepted that things do not get easier with age because where one problem becomes fixed, you still have a few more on that list to remedy. It isn't a safe world with people like that.
On to other topics: I have recently had to act like I am in a relationship to keep the stalker at bay. If I truly believed that something could come out of that, then I would definately give it a try, but I also can't set myself up for that kind of failure. The logic that has been presented is jibberish and I wish that she could see that but it is honestly the blinding of what I did in high school that has kept her on this path. I am cool with being friends but she has to understand that we can never be anything more than that. Especially considering we can't even hold an intelligent conversation. It's the thinking that goes a long way with me. I know that there is at least 12 people out there in the world for a person, but I am not one of those 12. (lol).
A very good friend of mine called me yesterday to tell me that she was 5 minutes away from seeing the beach for the first time. She was so excited that I could hardly understand what she was saying lol. It always makes me happy whenever somebody experiences something as spiritually exciting as seeing the beach. The calming and rushing of the ocean, seeing your foot prints in the sand, and the relaxing feeling of sitting on the beach and finally being away from it all. Everybody needs that feeling in their life. The experience is unreal and yours for the rest of your life. Especially watching that sunrise and sunset. It's one of the many different ways to define perfect. I wonder how many people have been to the beach and never gotten that feeling because they went for the wrong reasons. I'll stick with the perfect-ness that I recieved out of seeing the beach for the first time. | | |
| I am doing much better now since my last post but I am also doing alot worse. I have never been great at explaining myself or explaining to people why and how things happen the way that they do. People never understand how I am able to explain experiences as plain as the day and never drop a beat while doing it. I was hoping this post would be happy and exhuberant, but I am quite afraid that it is about how things change for the best and for the worst. I feel like I've lost 2 very special friends in my life over the past 5 days. But the truth is that I had only lost one in the past 3 days....all the way up until I saw the replay happen. Apparently summer '05 is replaying itself early this year. Well....on to very short story time.
Sister finds man. Marries man. Shows up at my house 10 years later with bruises on her and her kids. Man has nerve to hit her in front of me, and very soon realizes that their was a specific reason WHY I kept a baseball bat in the trunk of my Oldsmobile Intrigue. The similar situation happened not even 4 days ago....minus the kicking of his ass. At this point in the story you are wondering just exactly why the hell didn't I stomp his ass right then? I have no clue. I wish I had of now. Regret hurts so much when it matters. I regret not stomping him into the ground and feel as though I really let her down. It hit me so hard that I couldn't help but cry. She was looking for some kind of protection and I allowed him to walk right out of this house and control her life. I am almost certain that this whole story is going to haunt me. I can't help but think about how she was on the ground having the life choked out of her and I did not put him on the ground or anything. I kicked open the door and yelled at him. Yelled at him...
Psychology would dictate that I did not interfere with another mans relationship because I would never want him to know that I loved his girl. But, it was because I knew the song and dance that was going to be tried. I kept it to myself and within a whole day this guy moved out of my house, went to hot springs, and moved back on sunday as a "changed" man. Why? Why would any woman in the whole history of abusive relationships believe that a man has changed completely over night. I have never changed over night, perhaps it might be possible. I honestly do not believe the pony show though. They get back together and every single person who knew exactly what happened were able to go back to things being the way they used to be.....except for me. I will not be able to because I witnessed this young beautiful woman have life almost taken from her.
Love is definately tricky. It is thrown around as much as a politicians lies these days. I honestly and most truely do wish that I could make this girl so much happier than this douche bag has. But once your happy moments have been taken from you because you witnessed such events, what is left? Nothing but this guy from Tennessee with a broken heart and the inability to self-heal in seconds. The truth is, it takes years. I am still recovering from my childhood but have built on so much in life from it.
A man who must raise his hand to a woman, is not a man. Nor will he ever become a man for he is set his path for a relationship. I really wish I knew just how to save a life... | | |
| So according to the A.M.A. as you get older you tend to wake up early in the morning and cry for several hours over absolutely nothing. Actually, I don't know if that is true or not, I'm just assuming some organization, clan, or cult has come across this belief at some point in the origin of time. I'm sure the cry was needed, but damn....doesn't it go away after like 30 minutes? This shit has been goin on since I woke up at 7 this morning. I can't focus and it seems like anxiety is about to get the best of me.
I wonder if anxiety is even real. You hear and read about it in journals, news, friends and such, but what if one day a doctor just really got pissed and started telling all of his patients that you have anxiety. I've been taking Citalopram 20mg for roughly 2 weeks now and I'm pretty sure it is NOT helping. Everytime I take it I feel like chopping my head of or finding the easy way out. It is hard to find a good friend to talk to about exactly what I am feeling and why I feel that way. Everybody else would say find a good shrink, but fuck that. There has to be a logical way to analyze exactly what is wrong with my mind and why it's running in a million circles.
The overall message here kids is simple: DON'T DO DRUGS!
This includes all scripts that you buy from your friends at lunch, the crack rock you have stuck in the end of your cigarette for that next break, the cocaine or meth bump you have stored in a cigarette cellophane wrapper, all the sweet tarts, geltabs, and blotter paper that you have stored in a secret dark container in your freezer, the 4 exstacy tabs you might have hidden for the next time DJ Keoki or DJ Sasha is in LA, the 2 ounces of mushrooms you eat every month just because you love to watch peoples faces melt off, that cactus that you tripped nuts off of, the opium that you smoked and was like "man this is some dank", and DEFINATELY do not forget about how you wake up at 5:30 every morning to sit at your desk and prepare some of that magnificent black tar heroin for your day. Goes great with a white chocolate mocah from starbucks I bet.
Oh yeah, and marijuana.....is still not a drug. But if you do use, don't use and drive. | | |
| Just some random stuff.
So it's been a very long time since I've written a public post and while I was sitting at my house here in Arkansas, I kind of felt like writing about some very random things that have happened in my life.
Back in July of last year, I made the bold move to pack up everything I owned, rent a u-haul and move back to Arkansas and finish school. I finally settled on a major, so in roughly 2 years I will be graduating with a political science and criminal justice degree. Ever since I graduated high school, I never took the time to really get to know myself. I was happy but something was missing. Ever since I moved back here, I have never been more happy in my entire life. Of course there are the days when it seems like everything gets stacked on, but I've always overcome it all. In high school, they don't teach you what you need to know to survive in the real world. As it turns out, the only way to learn to survive in the real world is just by making it happen. It turns out that you really do learn something new every single day. And life is what you make of it. The worst part of life is that there are always multiple options for all of your decisions and you can never know exactly which decision will be the right one. It's almost like a high stakes game of poker simply because at one point you will throw everything that you have into the pot, and hope that you come out better than the other players.
I suggest that if anybody reads this, go take a trip somewhere. Get in your car and ride. You will learn more about yourself in that one trip than you ever have in your life. And it's always what you learn from that trip that makes you a better person in more ways than one. Look in from the outside, and see what your closest friends are going through and help them through it. I promise the favor will be returned, and when it is....it's the best feeling in the world. To the person who I lost a couple of weeks ago, I know you are in a better place. Keep a seat for me when we meet up again. And to the person who is here now, know that you are very very special not only to me, but to others. As for the rest of you, I love you all and there isn't anything you can do to change it. | | |
| And it is a short one. Why is it that at certain points in life you just stop feeling?
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